My brother got me a free DNA test for Christmas because the lad is a gomie and this just proves it.
I wasn’t going to bother getting it done until the Old Doll announced she was going to reorganise our living room and that wouldn’t be Dowcha Donie’s bag at all, I’d rather go ballroom dancing with Simon Harris.
I said I’d go into town instead and do the old DNA test, they give you a report showing your ancestry as well, just the kind of thing that can only be analysed over a pint or five.
I was on the hard stuff after I read page two of the report. It turns out I’m not really a northsider at all!
Basically, ‘Sorry, you’re not a Norrie.’ My old fella was out the night I was conceived and wasn’t his place taken by a southsider, from Magazine Road.
It gets worse. He was an intellectual, did a bit of lecturing in UCC, poetry and other embarrassing stuff.
That would explain why I’m the berries with words, but I’m terrified to tell the Old Doll because she thinks southsiders are ‘a total joke’, her words not mine.
How can I break the news to her?
— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool (but am I really like?)
She’ll be fine, Dowcha Donie. It’s not as if you’re a love rat. Like your Mam.
It’s getting exclusive on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Have Their Own Mobile Sauna in Fountainstown.
As we say in our mission statement, what’s the point in spending 1,200 squids a month on a personal trainer if you can’t flash your mega bod on Instagram twice a day — so we’re FOREVER down in Fountainstown these days to get photos of ourselves sashaying from sauna to sea in tasteful swimwear. (Tasty prices too, in case you’re wondering.)
The problem is there is no segregation in these saunas, they let in all sorts, so you could find yourself sitting next to a lorry driver.
Tara Mac was doing a short Instagram story in a sauna the other day when it was invaded by a gang of wans from Carrigaline talking about the bargains they were getting in Mr Price.
Tara couldn’t get out, she had to sit there and listen to this, outrageous when you consider she’s been voted the Most Beautifully Spoken Charity Bee-atch on the Douglas Road for two years running.
And now she has to go St Tropez for a Recovery Weekend because one of the Carrigaliners tried to strike up a conversation!
So, we all clubbed together and bought our own sauna, entry is controlled by a device that detects the cost of your cosmetic surgery and if you went to Scoil Mhuire. (You wouldn’t stand a chance.)
What do you think we should call our new sauna?
— Jenni, Douglas Road
I rang the Posh Cousin and asked what she’d call it. She said, Hot n Steamy. I said is that because Douglas Road people remind you of a turd? She said, toe-dally!
How’re oo goin on?
Things are getting very unsettled below here in Dunmanway, with the news that Michael Healy-Rae is after getting his feet under the cabinet table.
Sure the roads in South Kerry are so smooth as things stand, you’d swear the Healy-Raes must have got the government to inject them with Botox.
And this was when the lúdramáns were in opposition. With the Healy-Raes in power you’re going to see all sorts of goodies heading for south Kerry, they might even introduce toothbrushes into Kilgarvan.
There are two responses to this. One is to start demanding the same treatment for West Cork.
The other is to move Dunmanway into Kerry and be done with it.
‘Tis hard to tell us apart to be honest, the only difference is Kerry men still favour the bit of twine to stop their trousers from falling down around their ankles.
I floated the ‘Dunmanway into Kerry’ idea at a town-hall meeting in the town last night and it’s fair to say it was about as popular as a paternity test in Skibbereen.
How can I persuade Dunmanway people we should move the area to Kerry?
— Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway
I wish I knew.
Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond.
Come here, did I hear that this is the last Ask Audrey column you’re doing for the Examiner?
Berna burst in the door last night with the news, it was just as well I’d finished getting physical with my new boyfriend, he’s a garda from south Limerick but don’t let that put you off.
Aren’t you very inconsiderate now, leaving myself, Reggie, Jenni from the Douglas Road, and Dowcha Donie all alone to solve our many problems.
What will you be doing tell me?
— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond
All good things come to an end, and so must this advice column.
I’ve been at it now for nine years, which sounds like a humble-brag from a sex addict in Kinsale.
It’s time to hang up my poison pen and thank all of you who took time out of your awful lives to write in.
Thanks to the Irish Examiner for giving me an outlet for my malice, but more than anything, thanks to all you langballs who read this over the years.
Even people in Kilmallock.
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